Definite Main Purpose
Why is this so difficult for me? It is the writing down of a dream that I never allowed myself to even think about. How can I write in present tense? How can I write how I feel? Feel? What is feel? I am limited to happy, sad, disappointed, unappreciated, taken advantage of, uncared for, neglected, battered, verbally abused, crying, pent up of anger, holding in emotions, putting on a blank face, dump, laughed at, feeling low, scammed.
So much, and so little.
Reading Week 2 workbook and assignment reflect all to true on how difficult this is. What type am I? Stretch me…. I will not quit.
I am battling the subconscious, this is true. I have never faced this, In the past I ignored it.
I feel so alone right now. Just me and my journal. I have still 1 hour before going to bed, as it states in the assignment to turn off the computer and get into a restful place. Read the scroll. Turn off the electronics. Making new habits is a major change for me too. Very sad that I have only shared 200 words of thought.
At the conclusion of my first week with MKMMA, I am compelled to write a final post before the second week begins.
Stretching to make changes, striving to removing my layers, I am having a difficulty admitting my struggles.
15 minutes. 15 minutes. All to myself. All for me. Don’t do anything but focus on me. Even to have no thought…the essence of nothing in my mind. 7 days to do this assignment. I had no idea how difficult it IS. I still am struggling.
I look forward to another week for myself. Even though it is for 15 minutes.
Tuesday – Motivation
Journalizing is new for me. An old blueprint of memories of putting words on paper makes it real and tangible. Somewhere along the line I have stopped expressing myself for fear of being disappointed. However, writing is the means of communicating.
Reading is also new to me. I stopped reading because I didn’t want to learn anymore. My mother kept giving me self-help books to read. She always chose her topics of interest for me to read. I was turned off to self-help books.
So I was attracted to MKMMA because of the personal growth and self realization of who I am. I truly believe I am golden covered in mud.
Organization. I don’t know how to take care of me. I never have time for me. This journey is forcing me to take time for me to do my lessons, to do my daily requirements, to relax. Totally a new experience for me since I usually focus on my husband and children and pets. I help others and on occassions I get to enjoy myself too.
Failure. I have the fear of failure. I need to believe that I can do this. I need to allow myself for dedicated time for me.
Tired. I don’t want to be tired when I do me lessons. I realize I need to change this. I can’t do my stuff last and while everyone is sleeping.
Tuesday – Motivation